Why Do Couples Fight? Understanding the Deeper Roots of Conflict
Have you ever wondered why couples fight? Arguments between couples are not just about dirty dishes, missed texts, or parental disagreements. At their core, these conflicts often stem from deeper emotional needs, unspoken fears, and emotional disconnection. So why do couples fight—and what can we do about it?
The Real Reasons Behind Couple Conflicts
Attachment Needs
Attachment is the study of how humans bond and seek to connect to others throughout the lifespan starting with the infant and caregiver relationship.[1] These patterns are often carried into adult relationships. There are four classic types of attachment styles in relationships known as secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (anxious-avoidant).
Secure:
When a person is securely attached, they tend to be able to depend on others and feel worthy of love. In a relationship, a securely attached person can trust their partner more easily, balance closeness and autonomy, seek to give and receive comfort, and repair rupture in the relationship somewhat quickly.
Anxious:
An anxiously attached person might fear that a loved one might leave, might struggle to accept that they are loved, or might need frequent reassurance. In a relationship, they might display clinginess, insecurity, sensitivity to rejection, overthink their interactions, or react out of proportion with perceived silence or distance.
Avoidant:
An avoidantly attached individual believes that they cannot rely on others and need to protect themselves, which often results in minimizing emotions, resistance to vulnerability, and avoiding deep emotional conversations. In a relationship, it would not be surprising if they become emotionally distant, especially when an opportunity for vulnerability arises.
Disorganized:
The disorganized or fearful-avoidant person desires love and closeness, but also fears the pain and hurt they may encounter. In a relationship, this might seem confusing as if one partner is swinging between craving closeness and pushing their partner away. A sense of distrust and a lack of safety can lead to struggles to experience intimacy or vulnerability.
Do not be alarmed by these definitions. I recommend that you avoid diagnosing your partner. Attachment styles are not fixed. With insight, emotional healing, and healthy connection, people can move toward secure attachment. Every day, I help couples build stronger, more loving relationships.
Emotion Focused Therapy
Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), asserts that conflict arises when one or both partners feel emotionally unsafe or disconnected. According to Johnson, "Every fight is a protest against disconnection."[2] What may appear as nagging, criticism, or withdrawal is often a cry for reassurance:
Do I matter to you?
Can I count on you?
Will you be there for me emotionally?
Couples must slow down and move from an intellectualizing of their interactions with their partners toward a heartfelt understanding that connects on the heart level. Becoming safe with your partner can move you from reactivity to responsiveness and reconnection. EFT research shows that 70–75% of distressed couples who go through EFT move to recovery, and approximately 90% show significant improvements.
The Four Horsemen
Dr. John Gottman has studied couples for over four decades and can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy based on the presence of four destructive communication patterns he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:[3]
Criticism – Attacking the character of your partner
Contempt – Mockery, sarcasm, and disrespect
Defensiveness – Denying responsibility or deflecting
Stonewalling – Withdrawing and shutting down
Gottman found that contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. I also see these dynamics in my office. Yet Gottman also emphasizes that the antidotes to these horsemen—gentle start-ups, appreciation for your partner, taking responsibility, and self-soothing—can transform how couples communicate and connect.
Unmet Emotional Needs
Behind every fight is often a deeper need:
The need to feel heard
The need to feel valued
The need to feel emotionally safe
The need to feel respected or pursued
When these needs are unmet, we react—not always in the healthiest ways. One partner might pursue with intensity. The other may withdraw in silence. Both are hurting and both need a path back to connection.[4]
In a lecture, Sue Johnson attributed the reason why couples fight to unfulfilled longings (attachment needs) that an individual has had since childhood. These longings propel you to seek a mate that will fulfill them. However, your partner will disappoint you, and rather than requesting what you need, you will attack your partner! The solution to this negative cycle is creating a secure attachment in the present that soothes the unfulfilled longings. You must affirm, “I will be there for you!”
Biblical Wisdom for Emotional Healing and Secure Attachment
Scripture has long spoken to what modern psychology confirms: We are created for safe, loving connection.
Perfect love drives out fear. – 1 John 4:18
Much like EFT, biblical love removes fear and invites closeness.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (v. 9). – 1 Corinthians 13.
A secure, Christ-centered relationship reflects these qualities—emotional safety, forgiveness, and grace.
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. – Ecclesiastes 4:9–10
True partnership means showing up for each other—even in conflict.
Jesus healed with presence and empathy.
Like the secure partner in EFT, He met people in their pain, offered safety, and restored connection. That same Spirit can guide your relationship toward healing today.
The root of biblical love is sacrificial connection—just like the secure attachment that EFT and Gottman both describe in different languages. God designed us for deep, covenantal connection, not just cohabitation or co-parenting.
Conflict Is Inevitable—Disconnection Does not Have to Be
If you have found yourselves:
Stuck in the same argument
Feeling emotionally distant
Triggered by your partner's reactions
Recovering from betrayal trauma
Longing for closeness but unsure how to get there...
You are not alone. These are signs your relationship is not broken—but ready for healing.
Sign up today for online couples therapy that will help you understand your love style, identify and break negative patterns, communicate and repair emotional rupture, rebuild emotional safety, and invite God’s grace into your loving relationship.
Conclusion
Couples do not fight because they are incompatible. They fight because they long to feel secure, connected, and understood.
With the right tools, biblical truth, and guided support, you can move from conflict to closeness. You do not have to keep fighting. You can start healing—together. Do not wait for things to get worse. Healing begins with one courageous step. Your relationship is worth it.
Resources
Bolby. John. Attachment and Loss. New York: Basic Books. 1983.
Johnson, Sue. The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. 3rd ed. London: Routledge. 2019.
Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Indiana: Harmony, 2015.
Yerkovich, Milan and Kay. How We Love, Expanded Edition: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage. Colorado: WaterBrook. 2017.
*Image and some text generated with the assistance of AI technology.
Written by Dr. James E. Francis Jr.
Dr. Francis is the founder of Intentional Bridges, a mental health counseling and coaching practice that provides accountability through encouragement and empowerment that drives resilience and spiritual maturity. James helps with issues including anxiety, anger, depression, grief, infidelity, life transitions, stress, marital readiness, men’s issues, relationship issues, race-related issues, pornography addiction, PTSD, and trauma. He believes that therapy should be clinically excellent and theologically accurate. He prioritizes the integration of Scripture with elements of psychology to operate a holistic growth plan. James helps individuals identify and overcome their negative core beliefs. Then walks beside them to promote step-by-step healing from the pain of the past.
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